Archives for March 2019

To say that I’ve always been fascinated with other countries’ cultures and ways of life would be an understatement.  As a kid, I would pore over any information about other countries that I could get my hands on.  When I was in fourth grade, I fell in love with the book Water Buffalo Days: Growing Up in Vietnam, which is based on a true story, and I wanted to learn everything about life in Vietnam.  I vividly remember going through an Ireland phase and documenting everything out of my parents’ old 1971 encyclopedias that I could about the country – the landscape, food, people, holidays, and culture.  And it wasn’t just other countries; in first grade and second grade, I wanted to know all about Alaska, and in fourth grade, it was the Cajun people of Louisiana.

My passion for studying cultures around the world hasn’t ceased (hence, this blog!), and as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become interested in the subject of parenting around the world.  After all, one of the best ways to understand a people and their culture is to learn about how they parent their children.

Several years back, I became intrigued by the New York Times Bestseller Bringing Up Bébé by Pamela Druckerman, which is about an American mother raising her children in France and comparing French and American parenting.  I bought it for fun and learned all about how the French parenting style.  French parenting has long been a topic of interest, since French children are, in general, known to be well-behaved, particularly when it comes to dinner time manners and eating habits.  As with anything, there is no “perfect” way to parent, and I’m not one to idolize any culture or find the negatives of my own culture.  But I always love learning about other ways of doing things, and it opened my eyes to some new concepts regarding parenting, and also to a few topics of discussion that I found rather interesting/amusing, such as giving your newborn baby a house tour and allowing your child to use the French kids’ curse word (caca boudin, which literally translates to “poop sausage”!), but only when it’s appropriate.  (The concept is that they cannot use the word with their teachers or at dinner, but they can say it in the bathroom or when they’re alone with their friends.  You’re just going to have to read the book – it’s quite funny!)

There were lots of helpful tips and tricks that are part of the French culture that I would love to be able to try with my own kids someday, with probably the most notable being centered around food, which I can’t wait to share in another post.  When it comes to non-food related topics, these were a few of my favorite concepts of French parenting that I learned from the book:

1. Don’t stimulate your child all the time. Of course babies and children need love, attention, and conversation from their parents.  However, it’s important to give them downtime too – a quiet time where they’re not being constantly watched, spoken to, or played with.  You don’t have to facilitate your child’s playtime, but instead you can let them explore and create their own fun.  It’s healthy for both you and them.
2. There are four magic words in France that all children know – “please,” “thank you,” “hello,” and “good-bye.”  In America, we are used to “please” and “thank you,” but in France, it’s also imperative to acknowledge and greet people when they walk in the room.
3. Don’t rush structured learning.  It’s important to read to kids, but it’s not important that they learn how to read themselves at the youngest age possible.  As the book states, “French preschools teach kids how to have conversations, finish projects, and tackle problems.”  They learn how to be “organized, articulate, and empathetic.”  They are given lots of free time to play on their own.  I found it interesting that the author mentions that in her daughter’s Parisian kindergarten class one day, the assignment was for each child to give a talk on “justice” or “courage,” but they won’t learn to read until age six, and they will learn it in much less time than it takes to teach a four-year-old.  This is vastly different from the American education system, and although there’s probably not a right or wrong in this case, it was interesting to me to hear about a different take on education.
4. Your child needs to learn to wait.  Kids will learn how to distract themselves if they are forced to have to wait sometimes.  Instant gratification does not lead to a happy child.  It’s good to slow down your response times and not be at your child’s “beck and call” at every moment, as they need to learn how to have reasonable expectations.  Most importantly, don’t let your child interrupt!  In the same manner, don’t interrupt your child during an activity.  If they are happily absorbed in something, don’t butt in with questions or a change of plans.
5. Build a cadre, or framework with boundaries for your child.  Kids are happiest when they know the expectations.  Parents should decide what they will be strict about, and they should not budge in those areas, but they should allow a certain amount of freedom as well.  Some examples of this are:  “When we go out, I can veto your outfit if it’s inappropriate, but at home you can wear what you want,” and, “You have to taste a bit of everything at a meal, but you don’t have to eat it all.”  Once you set these expectations, you must stand by them.
6. Don’t raise a praise addict.  The author says, “A French mother tells me that instead of saying ‘Bravo’ when her five-year-old does something well, she sometimes prefers to ask, ‘Are you proud of yourself?'”  You don’t want to prevent your child from trying new things because they’re so focused on maintaining your high opinion of him.  It’s important to be encouraging, but don’t overdo it.
7. The perfect mother doesn’t exist.  Don’t allow yourself to feel guilty, and take pride in taking time for yourself.  It’s okay for your kids to know that you have a life apart from them.
8. “C’est moi qui décide,” or “It’s me who decides.”  You’re not a dictator, but you are the parent.  Your kids must know that you are the final authority.  You should say “yes,” as often as you can, but if you’re saying “no,” you must say it with conviction and stick by it.  Explain the reasoning behind the rule, leave the drama out of it, and try to give your child some autonomy over the way that she complies.  Punish rarely, but make it matter.  

Coming from a childhood with a very structured household, I really like these points because I want my children to be well-behaved and likable by both kids and adults.  I find this book to be very descriptive in explaining the ways to encourage your children to be more well-behaved.  However, I do realize that it’s so much harder to stick by these values than it sounds!  What are your thoughts?  Do you have any tips or tricks for raising well-behaved and well-liked kiddos?

P.S.  Life inspiration from the French, and some sweet French-themed kids clothes.